Photo by Trent Yarnell on Unsplash

By Mahshid Hager

It’s like you had just come out of a terrible relationship and then found this guy…. He was outright dreamy, tall, handsome, well respected, good head on his shoulders. Heck, there were even rumors that he saved someone’s life once. So, you started dating him and felt like the luckiest girl in town. You could see your entire future with him, white picket fences and all. You told yourself: “This relationship is different, not like any of the other ones. This one will last.”

Then slowly over the next few years things started changing. First, he didn’t approve of your friends and became really mean towards them, then he took issue with what you did and said. Then he started boasting about his accomplishments all the time and butting into people’s business. Frankly, he was incoherent at times. He even went against your relatives, forbidding them from coming to visit. You pleaded with him, begged him to reconsider. That’s when he started displaying some serious paranoid tendencies, saying things like “I don’t feel safe with your Mom in our house. God knows what she’s capable of!”

You were so shocked at first. How could this be happening? Had he always been like this and you somehow missed it? But people were so impressed with him. You start digging into his past and find out he has been hiding so much truth from you.

He had acted this way in past relationships but he was good at covering it up. He had never liked your friends, hated them in fact, tried everything in his power to alienate them and create distance between you and them. Anytime anyone accused him off this he would get terribly defensive, turn and twist things around on that person and blame them for what he was being accused of. So confusing! Oh, and that person he saved….? You find out he had lots of help from your friends, couldn’t have done it without their help in fact, but of course never mentioned them or gave them credit.

You start distancing yourself from him slowly. Frankly, at this point, you’re kind of afraid to make any sudden moves. You start by changing your Facebook relationship status to “It’s complicated”. Right away your friends start chiming in. Some of them are die-hard fans of his. Those are the ones that introduced you to him to begin with. They say things like: “What are you doing? Don’t be stupid! You’re so lucky to have him! Other girls would give anything to be with him.” They’re quick to remind you: “Remember how he was there for you after that terrible break-up?? Plus, he saved that one guy’s life!!!” You try to be patient with your friends. They mean well. You explain to them that you have done a ton of boundary work in therapy and can now better recognize the signs of an abusive relationship. Some of them listen and back off. Others don’t. They keep bringing up your past relationships and how AMAZING this guy really is compared to them. You do your best to stay civil, you’re trying to work things out still and don’t want to alienate anyone. But it gets hard sometimes.

His Birthday is coming up and your die-hard friends keep urging you to celebrate with him. You have so many complicated emotions and it gets harder and harder to convey them. Yes, you still care about him, but you want him to do so much better. You don’t feel like you are loved well by him right now. Honestly, he scares you sometimes….. How can you just go on and pretend to be happy just because it’s his birthday?!

You have other friends who are more supportive. They give you virtual high-fives and say things like “You go girl!” and “We are here for you. We understand and support you.” Their support means everything to you. It is the single thing that sustains you these days so you can keep fighting for your relationship.

Because at the end of the day, you do love this guy. You believe in his potential. At the same time your heart is really weary. Are you making a giant mistake? Should you just cut your losses and run? You keep remembering the good times. He had been kind to you and so considerate. That had to still be in there somewhere. Maybe with some treatment, with the support of your kindhearted friends he could turn a corner and get back on track. You are not ready to leave this relationship, but you will also not put up with any bullshit! You will continue to call him out on his crap and push him to do better. Somewhere deep inside he wants to be better, you just know it! It will require hard work. He has to take an honest look at all of his flaws. His die-hard fans need to do some work too. It won’t feel pleasant, but it is important work. If they really care about him, they need to change as well. He is going to need everyone’s support.

You decide to keep things simple this year for his Birthday. You get him a card, just a plain card. With tears in your eyes you write to him:

Happy Birthday dear. I don’t feel like celebrating this year, I hope you understand. I want us to do so much better that we are right now. I believe in the guy I fell in love with, the one who welcomed me with open arms after I had been bruised and battered. It’s going to take a lot of hard work, but I believe in us! I look forward to celebrating many Birthdays with you in the future.

Love, Mahshid

 

Photo by Maarten van den Heuvel on Unsplash