By Mahshid Hager
For a little over 11 years, now, I have been hosting these Tuesday Night Dinners. It started off with just me, my kids (then 5 and 7 years old) and a couple of co-workers. We worked a really stressful job and these dinners were a nice distraction from that. They also offered us a place for us to get to know each other in a more personal way and to support each through life’s ups and downs.
At the time I started these dinners, I was a single mom, going through very contentious divorce, trying to make ends meet. I had just met my current husband and we had decided to take things very slowly, so as to give all of us plenty of time to adjust to a new relationship. The idea behind the dinners was simple: I would make a delicious, home-cooked Persian meal and my friends/co-workers (lovingly referred to in our household as The Girls) would bring the wine and if appropriate, the dessert. We’d gather around the table for dinner, talk about our week, what’s going on in our lives, our plans and all the craziness of life. We’d rant about work, school and family. We’d laugh together, cry together and lean on each other for support.
The Girls are both 10+ years younger than me and have therefore always been in a different life stage than me. Maybe it’s because I have two younger sisters, or maybe it’s because The Girls are both wise beyond their years, but somehow our dynamic really worked. These dinners quickly became the highlight of my week and I really enjoyed the camaraderie we created.
Over the 11 year time span the configuration has changed numerous times. We have stretched to include new friends, significant others, new spouses and even a new baby. We have also shrunk in size as work schedules have changed, as friends have moved away and as a healthy sleep routine for baby has trumped leisure time with friends. All these years later, the dinners still serve the same basic function though: To gather with loved ones, to break bread and to support each other through life’s ups and downs.
Consistency takes effort sometimes. We all feel comfortable enough to cancel dinner if we don’t feel like gathering, if life gets too hectic, if schedules interfere. But generally, we understand the benefit of our bond and that most times, it outweighs the effort it takes to get together. I love that this group of friends have watched my kids grow into the young men they are today. I love the fact that they saw me at my lowest, heartbroken and broke and have supported me in finding my voice and my self again. I love that this tradition is so ingrained in my kids that they will burst into the house on Tuesdays and ask: “Are The Girls coming over?” We have celebrated Birthdays and graduations; we have cheered each other on through job changes and promotions. We have celebrated new loves and weddings and have held each other through heartbreak and grief.
My family lives very far away from me, in a different country. These friends are family to me now. You know that saying “It takes a village….”? It is very true. I was never more painfully aware of that, as when I was navigating single-mom-hood, mending a broken heart, working fulltime and trying to put my life back together. These people have been there with me through all of it. I have learned a few of things over the years, living far away from family. One is that traditions can be passed down through many generations but you can also make your own traditions with your family. Tuesday Night Dinners are something that we as a family created to feel connected to our loved ones in a consistent way. I’ve also learned that as an adult, you get to choose who you include in your tribe. What defines family sometimes has nothing to do with blood and everything to do with who shows up and who is willing to see you, all of you and still remain by your side and support you. The Girls are part of my tribe and my family and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Tell me about your long-lasting friendships. Which non-family members have you included in your tribe and why? I would love to hear your stories!
For many many years, I had Sunday Dinner at my house. My (then husband), our son, my in-laws, my brother-in law, and a dear dear friend who is “a sister from a different mother” plus a variety of 4-legged wonders all made up the base-unit of the dinners. Like your Tuesday night dinners, these have morphed; expanded and contracted as more joined and departed. At one point I was cooking for about 15 pretty regularly. It was fun. It met something in me that I didn’t know was there, but it for sure is and I like it. My mom and her husband joined us for the years they were winter visitors. Then he passed. Now she has also passed. I am recently divorced. I don’t do those Sunday dinners any more. They still go on; my (ex) husband, in-laws and dear friend still gather. I am always welcome to attend. I can’t yet bring myself to do it. Perhaps one day. But not now. Even writing about it, pings a deep pang of grief. I have such gratitude for those moments, those shared expereinces, tears and laughter. Celebrations and sharings from people who beilve different things coming together around something. I love that my son – my only child – grew up with a deep sense of intergenerational, blended family and community as a way of life. I love that you are doing this blog. Thank you. There Is a Tribe of Us indeed. Gassho