By Mahshid Hager
I moved away from home six months after I graduated from high school. I didn’t just move away, I moved almost 5,ooo miles away, to San Diego, California. At the time, I didn’t know that San Diego would become my permanent home. I was an International Business major and I thought I was going to move back to Germany some day and work in the corporate world…. Boy, did those plans change!
I was 20 years old, full of hope and big dreams. I thought I knew all there was to know about the world and how I was going to live in it. There’s something so deliciously wonderful about the naivete of being young and inexperienced. I see it in my boys now and it puts a smile on my face.
I don’t think I would change anything about the events that followed my move. But if I could go back and give some advice to my younger self, here’s what I would tell her:
“You will miss your family more than you can imagine.”
I know, it seems obvious, right? It wasn’t to me, not at the time anyway. I was so excited by this next chapter of my life that I think I minimized how much I would miss them. I thought we’d see each other more often and that I would be too busy with school to really notice their absence. I also didn’t think too far ahead, which is of course normal for this age. I couldn’t have possibly known how much I would want to be near my family once I had kids or once my sisters had kids, or how much it would hurt to not be near them as my father battled cancer…. As I watch my own kids individuate and become more and more independent, I can’t help but think of my parents. The impulse is to hang on tight and say, “Stay close! Don’t go!” Which I don’t, of course. I’m grateful for my parents’ ability to let me go and follow my dreams.
“Learn everything there is to know about Money.”
And I mean everything! I knew the basics. But I had no idea how to budget, how to balance a check book, how to save money or invest it. Credit cards and their interests are still kind of a mystery to me. I have sometimes wondered if this issue might be a cultural one. Money wasn’t explicitly talked about in my family. The adults earned it and spent it and the kids received it based on need. Both of my parents were good with financial decisions, but money was definitely an adult issue that the kids were not included in. The lack of knowledge really hurt my credit and it was a long recovery road that could have been avoided.
“Learn how to cook a decent meal.”
I eventually did learn how to cook and learned to love it, but it would have saved me a lot of money had I learned it before leaving home. Plus, it may have saved me from the “Freshman 15,” referring to the average 15 pounds college students gain in their freshman year from eating out all the time. I come from a family of people who love to cook and entertain, so it surprises me that I didn’t pick up this skill earlier. I had no interest in being in the kitchen and I couldn’t imagine a day when cooking would actually bring me joy!
“Go visit Berlin before leaving Germany.”
I still haven’t seen Berlin! I lived in Germany when the wall came down, for crying out loud! I should’ve gone! I was in high school and my parents wouldn’t let me travel alone or with friends. But I should’ve fought that rule or made them take me. The problem is that you always think “there’ll be time for that later.” Life gets busy and complicated so quickly. Travel is a luxury that isn’t as readily an option once you live on your own and need to balance work and school and life’s other responsibilities… Alright, I’m putting Berlin on the itinerary for our next Europe trip!
“It’s not too late to learn to play the piano.”
I have always wanted to learn to play an instrument. The piano is my favorite. The backdrop of my childhood included revolution and war; not exactly typical. Piano lessons were not a top priority, understandably. And I always thought (still think) that if you didn’t learn it when you were young, then it’s too late. I’m starting to question this conviction. Maybe playing an instrument is in my future after all.
“You will never need any of that Shakespeare.”
I was an English major in High school. German High school (Gymnasium) is structured like junior college. You have to pick two majors and two minors. German and English were my majors. And there was A LOT of Shakespeare! By this time, I knew that I was moving to the US and wanted to hone in on my language skills. But I wish I had focused more on conversational English by taking a class outside of school or done a Study Abroad course… I used to translate Madonna and George Michael songs songs into German so I could understand the lyrics. That helped my language skills more than you can imagine. Shakespearean English, didn’t really do me much good once I arrived in San Diego…. Go figure.
“Put down that cigarette!”
Yes, mom, I smoked in high school. Not a whole lot, but just enough to have it develop into a full blown nicotine addiction by the time I entered college. It started off innocently enough… a few puffs here and there and only when I went out or only when I was with other friends who smoked. It took me years to quit this nasty habit. I have been smoke free for 11 years and I wish I had never started to begin with.
“Date more!”
Another rule that would’ve been worth breaking. More experience in the dating world would’ve saved me heartache or two, I think. I took life so seriously; feeling like every encounter is a potential for a life partner. I’m aware that this is largely cultural as well and was passed down to me by my parents. They only ever dated each other too. I wish I was more lighthearted about dating in my teen years. Social interaction that is not necessarily sexual in nature could have really helped develop a stronger sense of social rules and boundaries. Which leads me to:
“Learn how to say NO!”
Again, seems simple, right…? Wrong! I didn’t learn this until my mid thirties! This one is definitely cultural. I wish I had learned about boundaries earlier. I wish I had learned that saying no was not just okay, but required sometimes. I spent many hours on a therapy couch unlearning my past “good-girl” conditioning and working on finding my voice and learning how to trust my gut. In some ways, this is still a work in progress for me. I continue navigating the edge of my boundaries and getting more and more comfortable honoring them.
I don’t have any major regrets in life. yes, I have had my share of “mistakes”, but it is really hard categorizing any of my experiences as mistakes, because all of it has contributed to who I am today. There has been a lot of learning along the way. I am not the same person I was back in high school. I’m not even the same person I was after college. And I like it that way. I’m glad that I keep learning and growing. I hope I never stop.
